Fri, 12/17/2021 - 1:21am

It's a Wonderful Life on Park Avenue

Move over, Frank Capra

If you have followed my columns in Dog News for lo these many years, you know that I am not a Christmas person. It’s not that I hate it (well, maybe a little), but I just don’t enjoy it. For me, it’s too much commercialism, too much hype, just too much, period. 

Having said that, it might surprise you that one of my guilty pleasures this time of year is watching holiday movies. Not classics like “It’s a Wonderful Life” or “Miracle on 34th Street.” No, I am talking about the kitschy, campy, completely predictable flicks most commonly known as Hallmark Christmas Movies. Other networks have glommed on to the formula, but the Hallmark Channel has perfected the genre, and they run them nonstop this time of year. 

I know I am not alone. I have lots of friends who confess to watching them. In fact, I have one friend who brilliantly has turned the whole thing into a drinking game. Protagonist confronted with an ethical dilemma — Drink! Male heartthrob must choose between the pretty, wealthy girlfriend and his high school sweetheart — Drink! Rich landowner faces a conflict of interest between his family business and the damsel in distress he hopes to rescue — Drink!

I don’t even drink when I watch, and, yet, I still like them. I’m not sure why.

Maybe it’s because it doesn’t take much energy to follow the plot. It’s like taking a nap without going to sleep.

Maybe it’s because of the snow, the decorating, the gingerbread houses — it’s all completely foreign to me. It’s like Rick Steves’ Europe for dummies.

Maybe it’s because I grew up without a big family. It’s like being able to enjoy all those holiday traditions without the accompanying dysfunction. 

Still, I long for the creators to inject some reality into the tried and true plot lines. I think, to be fair, there needs to be less hot chocolate and more alcohol. I think it’s more likely that the former high school flame is behind on child support or in jail than he is a hot, single dad. And I think the likelihood of saving the family inn/bakery/bookstore diminishes dramatically when one family member sees an opportunity to make a bunch of money selling out to the developer. 

What would it look like if Hallmark reworked the plot to create a movie that better reflects that with which we are all more familiar? 

Maybe, instead of a community rec center that is in danger of closing until the town folk come together and raise hundreds of thousands of dollars online by holding a Christmas concert right before the tree lighting ceremony …

There would be a not-for-profit that lays off over a hundred employees, at the beginning of a pandemic, without health-insurance coverage, including some people who have been with the company more than 20 years, and allows a charitable organization to cover the cost of the employee health benefits and never reimburses that charity even though the not-for-profit claims it made a big profit in 2020.

Maybe, instead of a big-city executive who is offered a promotion, partnership and bonus with the big-city firm, but turns her back on all that because she finds it unfulfilling, and follows her dream to return to her hometown and pursue her passion …

There would be not-for-profit executives who are incentivized to cut programs and people to boost profits, in order to obtain hefty annual bonuses, and who leverage the organization for even higher salaries by pretending they will take their balls and go play elsewhere? 

Maybe, instead of a small town that rallies to preserve the historic inn that serves as the center of the annual Christmas traditions that act as the local business and economic driver by attracting tourists and visitors to the community …

There would be a not-for-profit so far divorced from its original mission that it peddles mixes and doodles in competition, “enrolls” them by the boatloads, and sells their likenesses in the gift shop, but prefaces reporting on its activities with the words, “from a Mission point of view,“ and includes at least one recitation of the mission in the Board minutes, so that it appears to us that they know what it says.

Now, isn’t that a story that warms the cockles of your heart?

I think I’ll pour myself a hot chocolate with Baileys and tune in to see how this one turns out.

 

 

 

 

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