Behind Closed Doggie Doors

Now hear this!

Oops! My apologies, fellow dogs. Before I became Professor and Dean of Canine Responsibilities and Obligations here at Woof Woof University and published my definitive work, “The Dog’s Guidebook,” I was a U.S. Navy SEAL dog with the highest possible security clearances. And I just now inadvertently reverted to my “former life,” when any really important information was always preceded by the command, “Now hear this.” 

But the information I’m about to impart in this briefing is just as vital and way more highly classified than anything I ever heard come over the 1MC, the communications system on Navy or Coast Guard ships. The information I’ll be providing you today is for dogs’ ears only, and it is imperative that anything said in this briefing room stays within these walls. None of it should ever, under any circumstances, be leaked to the humans who live in a Never-Never Land where they think they own us.

First, let me be clear. People do provide us with benefits — food, shelter, medical care as well as recreational activities. For this they are owed some compensation; that’s why the first section of the guidebook is titled “Our Duties and Obligations.”  

Your first obligation is to be their teacher. Much like every military recruit first learns the command and position of attention, you have to first teach your human two of the most basic commands: “Feed me” and “Let me out/in.” Those two commands are of primary importance. “Get out of my chair” or “Get off my couch” will have to wait until later once they have a better grasp of some of the nuances of dog communication. Military drill instructors effectively teach recruits or officer candidates to instantly respond to commands by getting within six inches of the recruit’s or officer candidate’s face and yelling, screaming at them at decibel levels usually attained by jet aircraft or otherwise making failure to comply so miserably painful that the recruits learn the lesson. You can achieve the same effect with these commands of primary importance by the use of maximum effort and volume barking as close to your person’s face as possible. 

Once the person with whom you are living is ready for the advanced lessons, unlike most military drill instructors I’ve viewed, it is important not to get belligerent about your right to either the couch or the chair. People tend to be really sensitive and possessive about these areas, so subtlety is the best policy. The easiest way to get this point across is simply to beat them to the chair or the couch and take possession of it by sprawling out so there’s no room for anyone but you. Failing that, it is always effective to jump up into the chair or onto the couch and simply push and lean on them until they get the message and move. 

Another important obligation you have occurs when your human companion has to get up for a head call — excuse me, a trip to the bathroom — in the middle of the night. When this occurs, you have an obligation to move into the area vacated by that individual and keep it warm for their return. But you should also be rewarded for this service, and unless they are total ingrates, they will invite you spend the night atop the three inches of memory foam that covers the bed. You may have to remind them a few times after you have performed this vital service, but eventually they’ll understand.

That brings us to your obligations to small people, also known as children. Like large people, also called “adults,” children have to be taught that when they are eating, at least half their food must be dropped, and while it is still warm. Every snack they make, every meal they eat, every bite they take, they must share with you, and you may have to stare at them until they understand this rule.

Many children stand at optimal petting height. But you have to stand close to them to ensure good petting. If they run, they are excellent to chase, and if they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on. If they sit down or stand very close to your head, they are asking for kisses from you. For that matter, anyone who sits on the couch only does so in order to be kissed, so be sure to accommodate them as they get very cranky if you don’t perform your proper role in this relationship.

One other thing you must teach children (and sometimes their parents, for that matter) is that even though you are as tall as they are, stand on four legs and are covered with soft hair, you are NOT a pony. However, you are perfectly willing to pull them around in a cart or a sled, and doing so is frequently fun for both you and the kiddies.

There are some areas where you just simply have to be firm. Civilian people, like recruits and officer candidates, need a lot of guidance, which is why this briefing is about the dog’s guidebook. For one thing, they have to learn that you are entitled to bring anything you find appetizing — sticks, old roadkill — outdoors into the house. You should also be free to eat those imported items on the rug, the couch, a chair or even the bed. Keep in mind that it is better to have eaten something and wound up throwing it back up again than never to have eaten it at all.

You have an obligation to make people understand that it’s a basic rule of survival, and sadly people have moved so far from having a need for basic survival techniques that they often fail to comprehend there are valid reasons why you do eat these seemingly unappetizing things. Instead they walk around complaining about having to clean up the mess when all you are really doing is trying to show them how to live in case the electrical grid goes down, there’s no propane available, and deliveries to the supermarket stop.

We also have an obligation to the people who live with us to care for both their physical and mental health. People frequently don’t understand that playing squirrel or tug or fetch with us is way more fun than sitting in front of some stupid computer and is necessary for their mental and physical well-being. So you will have to keep reminding them. Dropping toys in their laps until they understand that they’re really the ones who need a play break is usually pretty effective.

People must be taught that days are divided into two important sections: breakfast/supper and everything else. Any time when meals aren’t being served is naptime unless someone offers to go out and throw bumpers for you, or, better still, shoot birds for you if you are a Sporting breed. For the hounds in this briefing session, that would be someone going out with you to chase rabbits or some other critter; for the terriers, hunt rodents, and for the herding dogs, chase sheep, goats, cows or ducks. All these pursuits take precedence over naptime or even meals.  

If your person talks baby talk to you, you have to show them that this is unacceptable. They don’t seem to realize they sound like idiots, so you have to demonstrate to them that you won’t put up with such nonsense. While it may have been OK when you were a baby puppy yourself, if they had so much as a shred of personal pride, talking baby talk to you as a grown dog should be beneath them. So, if they start talking baby talk to you, turn your back on them and walk away.  

That brings us to the part of this briefing where we address the issue of duty. Your first major duty, which is different from an obligation, is home security. Trust me, “duty” is a four-letter word in more ways than one. While it may be possible to shirk your obligations on occasion without feeling guilty or experiencing recrimination, duty is a different story. Duty is something that simply must be done. An obligation does not carry the need to make the ultimate sacrifice. Duty just might. That’s why guarding the house against all enemies — the garbage man, the mailman, the UPS/FedEx person, the meter reader and anyone else who has the temerity to ring the doorbell, knock on the door or even enter the yard — is a duty. You have to impress upon people that they can absolutely trust you to be on sentry duty at all times and you will ensure that the house and its contents, human or otherwise, remain safe. 

Thunderstorms are a signal that the apocalypse is happening. People tend to be amazingly blasé about the true nature of thunderstorms, saying that it’s just noise. But you know better because you don’t so much as flinch when someone fires a .12 gauge shotgun practically over your head. Thunderstorms, on the other hand, cause you to shake, pant and roll your eyes because you know what a terrible threat to life and limb they pose. People have to be made to understand that you are trying to save them from this lethal menace, and one of the ways to do this is to cling to your two-legged pals until they grasp that you are attempting to warn them of the horrific danger posed by the presence of lightning, thunder, wind and hail.

Finally we come to the duties and obligations people have to us. Even though they have had a really tough day, our supper dishes won’t fill themselves. Occasionally they need to be reminded of this issue. If a nose poke doesn’t work, picking up the dish, standing in front of them and making aarrooo noises almost always works. If they still don’t get the hint, drop the dish on their foot. They have to be made to understand that there are only three food groups for dogs — in our dishes, off the table/counter and on the floor. Also, when they bring a tree into the house, they have issued an invitation, at least to the guys among us, to use that tree as an indoor “convenience,” as the old Irish immigrants called their toilet facilities.

They owe us at least one serious petting, ear or tail head scratching per day, and really more than one, of at least five minutes or longer in duration. Failure to provide this service is ample reason for a nose poke, putting your head in their lap and pressing down hard, sticking your nose under their elbow and flipping it up or whatever other means you find necessary to get their attention including, at last resort, barking and whining. People can be obtuse sometimes about their obligation, indeed their duty, to respond to your basic needs, love and affection being one of the primary needs.

That concludes this briefing. Any questions? No? OK, I remind you that everything you heard in this briefing is at the uppermost echelon of the top-secret classification. Thank you for coming and don’t forget: “Mum” is the word.