Who Is the Dumb Animal?

In all our human arrogance, we often speak of “dumb animals,” and there are even lists that show them in order of supposed “dumbness.” I think there is a major mammal missing from that list, and we all know this animal well.

As you can imagine, I spend a lot of time at airports, and it is here where I find a great compilation of some of the dumbest animals. Here’s one clue: Just because you have those ridiculous white things stuck in your ears doesn’t mean you are invisible or that others can’t hear you. I really don’t need — or want — to know how “wasted” you were Saturday and what you let your boyfriend do. Nor do I want to hear you arguing with your wife or yelling at your son on this thing called a phone. Many years ago, there were things called “party lines” where at times two different households would be on the phone at the same time. It was annoying then, and now we have increased it a thousand percent. And we call it progress. Dumb animal? 

My wife laughs at me because I always try to be the first — or close to it — to board an airplane. There are two reasons: I want to get my carry-on bags put away, and then I am a people-watcher as others board. The dog breeders in our community strive to improve consistency and “type” in our breeds. Now let’s look in the mirror — as I watch people boarding. What on earth moves people to pierce so many parts of their bodies? I see things stuck in ears, lips, noses, eyebrows – and I don’t even want to imagine what is pierced that I can’t see. What other animal on Earth does this? None! And as you board the plane, what is so blasted hard about figuring out which is your seat? And how about those backpacks that bang against everyone sitting in an aisle seat as you pass by? Dumb animal?

It's a good thing we don’t judge our “breeders” by the lack of consistency in the “typeyness” of this animal called a human. Yes, there are a few who are extremely attractive, but the great mass of us would not be finalists in any beauty contests — and there is absolutely no consistency in what humans look like. What a weird species. We are certainly not the most aesthetically beautiful species. Compare us to the Andalusian horse or the Arabian. We are certainly not more beautiful than a tiger or leopard with their shiny coats. And how majestic is the King of the Jungle – the lion?

Let’s compare this animal who considers itself to be at the top of the food-chain to others. What about bravery? We certainly can point to many humans who have displayed courage against unbeatable odds and to save others. But this is not a trait confined to humans alone. What about Newfoundlands, who readily allow themselves to be dropped from helicopters into raging seas to save a stranger of another species? Or the German Shepherd or Doberman, who willingly protects these weird humans against any attack with no regard to their own safety? Some will say that these wonderful dogs were “trained” to do this — but I don’t think it could be done if the desire was not already in these dogs. So, instead, let’s consider dolphins, who have been known to attack sharks to try to help a human escape. There is no training there.

We are not even necessarily the most intelligent species. “Current tests for intelligence indicate that dolphins do not possess the same cognitive abilities as humans and are thus not the ‘smarter’ species,” says the website for Vallarta Adventures, which does swim-with-dolphins tours in Mexico. “Like humans, dolphins possess the ability to beneficially alter their surroundings, solve problems, and form complex social groups.”

Perhaps it is in athletics — and agility — where humans exceed all other species. Ever watch the weeks before the football draft, as all the wannabe NFL players are put through their paces? We watch as they are tested for speed, jumping ability, strength and agility. We are impressed. But is any human faster than the Greyhound or Whippet or cheetah? Can they jump higher than all other species? A flea can jump TWO HUNDRED TIMES its body length. Even the dolphin can jump four to eight times its body length — and that is out of water!

So where do we unequivocally exceed animals? Sharks have been called the perfect killing machine. Like almost all animals, sharks kill to eat. Regardless of what the movie Jaws might have made you think, sharks are not trolling the waters looking for humans to kill. A research group called Rushcult — an adventure sports magazine — reports, “Vending machines kill more people per year than sharks While the thought of a Coke machine probably doesn’t fill anyone normal with the same sense of dread as a Great White, vending machines are responsible for an average of 13 deaths a year. That’s more than two and a half times as many as Jaws, though I wouldn’t have thought a movie about killer vending-machine-related accidents would be very exciting.” Furthermore, “While sharks grab the headlines if they attack someone, jellyfish kill eight times as many people every year. While they look harmless, they can be highly poisonous and are also often hard to see and avoid. As well as causing 40 deaths a year, jellyfish also cause a vastly larger number of injuries than sharks.”

I have found one area where humans are indeed at the top of the food chain. We kill each other for the weirdest reasons. Before World War I, war was almost considered to be romantic, being a mano-a-mano fight for “what is right.” But then came new weapons that let us kill each other from miles away without ever seeing our opponents’ faces. And thus, the Lost Generation of writers was born: Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, T.S. Eliot and others writing of their disillusionment and the horror at seeing hundreds of dead soldiers lying in the mud — many having been torn apart by our new killing machines. Only humans can kill from hundreds or even thousands of miles away from each other by pushing a button.

No other species kills because the other animal looks different or is a different color or thinks differently. Sometimes humans kill for no reason at all other than we can. We think that we are superior because we have beliefs and souls. But how many thousands have been killed in the name of religion?

So, what differentiates us from other animals and places us “on top”? There have been many quotes about this, from joking about our ability to “accessorize” to our ability to “reason.” Well, many of us have watched our dogs “reason.” As we watch Border Collies herd a flock of sheep into their pens over rough terrain, some will attribute it completely to instinct or training. Don’t we see these highly intelligent dogs reason out how to drive the flock? Those of us who are lucky enough to live with dogs have seen those special few who absolutely reason out what we want them to do — or they do it on their own.

Perhaps one of the things that separates us is our memories. I know dogs and other animals remember things, but do they have memories? A government study says, “According to the 'mental time travel hypothesis' animals, unlike humans, cannot mentally travel backwards in time to recollect specific past events (episodic memory) or forwards to anticipate future needs (future planning).” But let’s consider that this is a study done by humans who come to the test with the belief that we are superior. It has been said that “history is written by those who win the war.”

What animal has the best memory? National Geographic says, “The new research shows that dolphins have the longest memory yet known in any species other than people. Elephants and chimpanzees are thought to have similar abilities, but they haven't yet been tested, said study author Jason Bruck, an animal behaviorist at the University of Chicago.”

So … memories. If that’s what we’re left with, then let’s make them good ones — not school massacres of children or dozens killed because they look different. Wars have been fought in the name of religion — how does that make sense? But today — instead of either revering our memories or learning from them — there are those who have decided to delete memories – from schools, libraries and even our parks. The philosopher George Santayana said, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

So, with all the chaos that is going on in the world today, let’s hold fast to our dog community and to each other. Our dogs help us to make memories because their love for us is complete and free. Let’s build good memories for each other.

What do you think?